A guide for the friendless, bored, and crazed to make some eternal friends.
Written by Raina Genaw
After a long day of stupidity and scheming, my favorite way to relax is to have a nice, long chat with the ghosts of the Fine Arts Center. These ghosts are great conversationalists and really know how to keep a secret—after all, I’m the only one who ever sees them! The best part? They’re quite the captive audience! These ghosts can never leave FAC because their souls are cosmically tethered to the jagged red sculpture beneath the overhang. Who could’ve guessed that thing had an actual purpose? Anyways, here are my top 10 tips for chatting with the FAC ghosts.
Go in costume
Never reveal your true identity to the spirits, for they will cling to you—much like flies cling to your mom. Feel free to raid the theatre department’s stuff; there aren’t any cameras in FAC and all of the theatre kids will be too drunk to notice.
Bring a sacrifice
My personal favorite sacrifice is a live mouse (sustainably harvested from the basement of FAC) set on fire beneath the red sculpture. But, if you’re in a rush, a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of gin will do just fine.
Don’t talk to the Lowes
Remember that time when Drake built an entire building around some lady’s house because she wouldn’t sell it to the university? Well, if you don’t, you can have a 8-hour-long conversation with Margaret Lowe about her house! Personally, I’d rather not.
Eat a lot of salt
To avoid being possessed, you should always make sure your body has a nice barrier of salt built up. I often steal a Boveda humidity pack from somebody else’s reed case and slurp the contents, but regular old sodium chloride should work just as well. If you can’t find salt, paint thinner works in a pinch!
Ask them about your future
As beings of a higher dimension, the souls of the undead know more about the future than any one person ever should! I myself have learned that the FAC elevator will break and fall with me inside it 3 weeks before my graduation day. I’m sure they were just joking though! Isn’t the future fun?
Never ask if they’re ready for the Judgement Day
FAC will be renovated before they’ll be ready for the Judgement Day.
Come prepared with gossip
In exchange for their wisdom, the FAC spirits will require something of you in return: some sweet, juicy gossip. Much like the vocalists, the spirits love knowing the who’s-who and what’s-what on campus, and you’d better be prepared to deliver!
Don’t ask for help writing your Music History III term paper
If you do this, you WILL be punched in the face by a phantom fist. Even worse, you’ll have to finish that term paper by yourself. You may as well save everybody the hassle and slam your head against a wall yourself; a bit of concrete to the face always helps me focus!
Don’t bring a Ouija board
You’ll be the laughingstock of Hell (and not just because of your obsession with the song “Sumer is Icumen In”). Don’t worry, though; only a lowly theater kid would be foolish enough to bring a Ouija board.
Remember to thank the ghosts
They’ve taken time out of their busy schedule to convene with you, so make sure to be appreciative! The best way to express your thanks is, of course, through interpretive dance. Make sure to perform onstage in the Turner Jazz Center so all of your friends can videotape you through the windows.