Who are you? Let us inform you.
Written by Nash Linsley
Music is an important form of self-expression, whether you’re making it or consuming it. One of the most important ways consumers express themselves through music is with the construction of playlists. Below, we have described the tastes in playlists of each of the twelve astrological signs. So if you didn’t know what kind of person you are, now you will. Understanding the meaning behind every single one of these genres and their categories will make you feel like a psych major without all of the self-loathing and crippling debt.
Aries
(March 20 – April 19)
Aries? More like airbrush! You like artists that are dressed up in bright colors on the cover of magazines. People like Harry Styles and ABBA. Their clothing is more important to you than their music. Don’t forget to pick up your iced coffee from Starbucks this morning, just like every other morning, since you’re so quirky and original.
Taurus
(April 19 – May 20)
Tauruses are strong but gentle lovers. They therefore prefer the songs of the international proletariat. Like Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5. And any of the innumerable hits of the Red Army Choir: The Internationale, Korobeiniki, and so on. Don’t be confused though: the Trans-Siberian Orchestra is not Russian. Made that mistake before.
Gemini
(May 20 – June 21)
Within Gemini we find a comprehensive list of Tony winners and Neil Patrick Harris originals. These playlists are hyper-specific and crafted as beautifully as the Statue of David. They may only be used for their intended purpose and if used outside of that context there will be serious repercussions. They tend to allow their attention to detail to consume them so check in with these individuals often to ensure they are not too busy providing the best playlists.
Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
The next playlist is colloquially called I Ain’t Going to Vietnam, which requires no explanation. You weren’t around for the Vietnam War, but if you had been, you sure wouldn’t have gone. If you were born at this time of the year, it is a scientif-ish fact that your Spotify “most listened to ” consists almost entirely of Pete Seeger and Joan Baez.. You hate Lyndon Johnson, but you love not having a job.
Leo
(July 22 – August 22)
Hey Leo, so nice of you to read DUiN-ism.
Follow us on Instagram @Drake.Duin and Twitter @Drakeduin.
Virgo
(August 22 – September 22)
Virgos fall under the Old Souls category. You can spot a Virgo because they’re the friends that tell you you need to check out the “classics” and that “Music isn’t what it used to be in the 70’s”. Their listening habits include Frank Sinatra, The Grateful Dead, and The Beatles.
Libra
(September 22 – October 23)
Libras are energetic people, making hyperpop noise their go-to. Literal Noise is your 100 Gecs, Xiu Xiu, and other hyperpop-postmodern-brain-damage garbage. If your friends listen to this type of music I pray for them and you, but mostly them.
Scorpio
(October 23 – November 22)
Scorpios are dark, mysterious, and strong; it makes complete sense that Scorpios are into Angsty Jams. NBA YoungBoy, $uicide Boys, and Korn are among the artists that Angsty Jams connoisseurs enjoy, alongside the tasteful tunes of a fork in a blender.
Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
Those that fall under the Pretentious Fuckery category love Modern Baseball, The Front Bottoms, and any other artist that combines lame poetry with some acoustic guitar and a dull drumbeat. Pretentious Fuckery enjoyers need everyone to know they only listen to these artists and they would do anything to see them in concert.
Capricorn
(December 21 – January 20)
As a Capricorn, you tend to align with similar Sigma Males. You are a cut above the rest. You could easily get laid and show up the alphas if you wanted to, but that would require a departure from the Grind. While on the grind, keep playlists with focused, sophisticated audio like “Lose Yourself” by Eminem, “A Cruel Angel’s Thesis” from the Neon Genesis Evangelion soundtrack and “Politik” by Coldplay.
Aquarius
(January 19 – February 18)
If you’re an Aquarius, your playlists tend to fall under the This Has a Beat category. These jams include anything that was hyper popular for 3-6 months and only to never be listened to again, like a divorced mom in the Chicago suburbs. If you vibe with this playlist, you might enjoy Daft Punk, Gotye, or the sound of Heelys crushing Linda’s dreams.
Pisces
(February 18 – March 20)
Pisces are known for their sensitivity and emotional attunement. They should listen to this playlist until they aren’t sensitive little snowflakes anymore. Crank the KISS, Black Sabbath and Deep Purple until your internal monologue of “Where is the love?” turns into “I don’t get why they have to shut down the highways when they protest.”