Four rocks around campus for spiritual growth
Written by Abby Blazevic
Kissing Rock
If you’re wandering around campus, hoping that one day you will understand what you’re doing with your life, you might stroll by the Kissing Rock. If you choose to sit at the rock and ponder about your life choices, just know that rock has spiritual properties that may include:
- If you’re a DUiN reader, you might feel a glimmer of hope as we have stashed the actual meaning of life inside the rock. It can be accessed by the satirical comedy only possessed by those who pray to our lord and savior Griff II.
- If you’re NOT a DUiN reader, it’s unfair for you to miss out. I’ll take pity on you and let you in on a secret. The real meaning of life is [THIS INFORMATION HAS BEEN REDACTED]
Overturned stones by Hubble
If you are in the unfortunate situation of walking into The Hubb to get your barely-within-Iowa-health code dinner, you will step over the overturned stones. These stones have spiritual properties that may include:
- Awakening your psychic ability to feel the spirits of animals who died to give you the freshman 15. Their greatest revenge is that you can no longer fit your favorite pair of jeans.
- Enter an altered state of consciousness where you can connect with the dying hopes of students thinking the dining hall would have higher quality food than last year because of the lessened COVID restrictions. Well, fuckers, we were all fooled.
- An omen of death, according to anonymous sources who are now in the hospital with food poisoning from E. coli filled pasta.
Stepping stones by the Herriott fountain
If you’re trying to relive the time you lived in Herriot or are a weirdo who looks at their reflection in the pond, you’ll have to walk on the stepping stones that lead to the fountain. Those stepping stones have spiritual properties that may include:
- Awakening your psychic ability to feel the spirits of animals who died to give you the freshman 15. Their greatest revenge is that you can no longer fit your favorite pair of jeans.
- Enter an altered state of consciousness where you can connect with the dying hopes of students thinking the dining hall Revealing freshman regrets, such as going to Drake. I’m surprised we come back every year.
- Glow softly when you’re halfway through your walk to class and realize it’s on the other side of campus
- Possessing you with the memory of asking out a girl, who you thought would say yes, but who instead laughs in your face and runs to her boyfriend, Mark, initiating a very public make-out. You did this, you made her perform PDA, all of our eyes are burning because of you. Thanks, asshole.
Weird Rock Formation Behind FAC
If you find yourself behind FAC (you won’t, but just go with it), you may see a weird rock formation strangely placed in the grass. This rock has spiritual properties that may include:
- Looming, dark energy next to the red statue. Is it the graveyard for broken dreams for students who thought they were going to be the teacher’s pet? Is it where journalism students go to cry when they have to take a math class? No one knows.
- Fun fact: the statue takes all of the negative energy that students give off and will eventually come to life to fight Marty Martin and become the evil president of Drake. It’s not that original, however, and stole the plotline from Harry Potter. So, does that make Marty the chosen one? Hell yeah, it does.
- You may feel the lost souls of students that have died in FAC after getting lost in the many winding hallways. Some tried to trace their steps with yarn, but the fashion students cut it to make it into a sweater. Others tried to leave breadcrumbs, but the infamous homeless lady who lives in the walls with her army of rats ate them.
- Moral of the story: if you are lost in FAC, you’re meant to stay there.