Witness DUiN’s descent into the obscure, mysterious, and even pathetic in an attempt to evade Marty Martin’s prying eyes.
Written by Carl Yaeger
January 6th, 2021 was a dark time for the nation. But, amidst everything that was happening, the calamity that nearly sent America over the edge was DUiN’s absence from Twitter, suspended on the whim of Jack Dorsey being controlled like a sock puppet by the capricious hand of Marty Martin. Though we prevailed in recovering our account, there was a specter haunting Drake: the specter of the world once again losing the ever-flowing river of our content. We tried desperately to avoid this by fleeing to different platforms, each, we thought, further down the iceberg, further beyond the clutches of authority. Was it worth the cost? Judge for yourself.
Myspace
Did you know Myspace was still around? We did because we’re smarter than you. And we’ve put all our content there. “You’ll never find it. Just try. We dare you,” oh, the hubris with which we hailed our arrival. Little did we know, Marty is so hip, so with it, so forward-looking, that he is and has been a Myspace power user for more than 17 years. As soon as we posted “Honestly, Marty Martin needs to, like, totes chillax. Peace out!” he was onto us. He immediately power walked to the Des Moines Myspace headquarters and demanded they suspend our account. The corporate titanic had no choice but to comply, lest they risk losing their constant supply of fresh meat from the J-school.
Parler
After this, we tried downloading Parler. We ran into a big problem fairly quickly: we were too scared to use it. The default profile picture, instead of a grey silhouette of a head and shoulders like most platforms, has a weird white cone on the head. And when we realized that most of their users came to Parler to escape other people making fun of bad presidents, our mistake became clear: of course, Marty would be here.
Xbox Live Lobby
You don’t want to know about this one. But Marty acted about how you’d expect.
Floppy Disk Mailed to You Once a Month Containing Our Tweets from That Month
Perhaps, we thought, the internet is not for us. It’s a fad that will blow over. We decided until it has, it’s not the place for us. We moved to the truly obscure to avoid detection. Though you’ll probably have to find a Commodore 64 that’s been lost in FAC for the past 35 years to even use a floppy disk, you desperately need to read what we’ve written, and this is the only way. We were sure this was a permanent solution to our troubles, we were finally beyond Marty’s clutches. How wrong we were. Ever since Marty’s computer broke when he tried to download Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties, he has been using a 1982 ZX Spectrum for all university business.
DUiN Magazine
That’s it. Our desperation is at its all-time high. We have nowhere left to turn but to physically print words and pictures onto pieces of paper. DUiN has stooped to the truly pathetic.
Still, twice a year, if you listen close, you can hear the sound of forty pieces of paper being torn up, followed by sobbing, followed by silence.