Drake gets Relays sponsored by Chinese government in controversial initiative
Written by Max Brown
In a surprising move, Drake University announced that, as part of its “Next Great Era,” this years’ Drake Relays will be hosted by Beijing, China. President Marty Martin justified the extravagant move as a way of “moving Drake into the future.”
“When you think about it, this is a brave and bold move for Drake. We’ll be the first midwestern university to host games abroad. This will make Drake go from an insular institution to an out-sular out-stitution.” Martin said.
The move was universally ridiculed by faculty, staff and students.
“This is utter insanity,” a faculty member wishing to remain anonymous said. “FAC is sinking into the ground, enrollment is down the shitter and we have a perfectly good stadium across the street. This fucking vanity project is going to bankrupt us.”
Student athletes similarly questioned the move.
“I don’t know, man,” one athlete said. “When I got off the plane these officials put a camera in front of me and started interviewing me about track, except when I watched the interview on the state media channel later that night there were subtitles under me saying things like ‘Taiwan is illegitimate’. Just kinda weirds me out.”
Time-honored Relays traditions are set to remain, despite the change in scenery. A version of the Peggy’s tent is set to offer free drinks to all students interning in government buildings and prominent research labs, with bartenders set to engage in “robust conversation” about their work in those locations.
If the Beijing Relays are successful, sources say Drake plans to halt construction of the upcoming stadium in Des Moines and relocate operations to Beijing permanently. When asked about what would be done with the abandoned construction site for the new stadium, officials told us that it would be left as is, “to be a playground for kids in the neighborhood, or something.”