Written by Erin Carlson and Kelsey Wolfe
Drake has art! Check out this article to learn more about the lively and possibly haunted art scene at Drake University.
When people think of art in the midwest, they think of the beautiful portraits and statues at Drake University. There is no other art in the midwest. People come from up to half a mile away to see the stunning artwork at this small liberal arts university. In addition to being beautiful, however, the art at Drake University holds many secrets.
You can find many portraits in the second-most popular library on the campus. The law library is home to the faces of Drake University’s Founding Fathers™ (DUFF): Sneezy, Dopey, Doc, Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, and The Earl. These portraits were intricately painted using various dyed bird feces and the blood of unidentified animals. The eyes of the DUFF follow law students and whisper helpful advice to those that are struggling. We overheard one poster telling a student that “Nothing is illegal if you’re rich enough,” as the student nodded along and vigorously scribbled notes. There are rumors circulating that the figures in the paintings draw their power from the fear of law students. It has even been said that every time a law student thinks about dropping out, their soul is sucked into the painting and the man in the portrait becomes the new host of their body. After witnessing a flash of blinding light, we asked a law student if this rumour was true. They replied in a raspy croak, “No of course the rumours aren’t true! This is my body, always has been! I am a student of Drake!” So while these paintings are unfortunately not haunted, they remain a beautiful symbol of Drake University’s rich historic past.
The pride and joy of Drake University are our glorious statues. A prime example are the realistic decorated bulldogs found throughout campus. Did you know they are inhabited by the spirits of past Griffs? The statues are so realistic because the artist places the corpses of deceased mascots into plaster to create the molds. Drake University has kept this secret for so long by using such an ugly live mascot that no one can tell the difference between him and his predecessors. The bulldog statues are especially stunning during full moons when they come to life and run rampant through the campus. While slightly immoral, these statues are beloved by all students and faculty that dare to walk past them.
Pro tip: Drake University’s mascot used to be a duck, so keep an eye out for the rare bird sculpture waddling around campus! Remember, if it catches you it gets to eat your soul!
The Kissing Rock is an infamous locale at Drake University. Contrary to popular belief, the rock is not a naturally formed piece of stone but is actually a scrap piece of Michelangelo’s David that Drake University bought on eBay for $35 and a Starbucks gift card. Couples flock to the gorgeous rock to make their relationships official. Any saliva shared on top of the Kissing Rock is both legally and spiritually binding for all involved. Anyone who dares to break up after sharing a smooch on the rock is obliterated from existence, and any knowledge that either party existed is wiped from the face of the earth.
A final piece of art on Drake University’s campus is the shrine that your roommate has to Danny Devito. You may wonder, “Why do they have that?” You should probably tell someone about that. You’re probably thinking they might be summoning a demon or about to perform a sacrifice! It’s up to you to save everyone. we are counting on you. Think fast! Oh no, it’s too late, they’re here! Run! RUN!
