Academic Insults for All Occasions

Ever find yourself scrambling for an insult of higher quality than “I know you are, but what am I?” Well, look no further! Here at DUiN, we pride ourselves on finding new and creative ways to insult our peers, our friends, and our coworkers. Enjoy –


“Are you my GPA? Because you’re so not worth the effort.”

“The only test you’d get an A or B on is for blood type.”

“Even Freud wouldn’t have time for your psyche issues.”

“It’s good to know there are still some members of the Neanderthal around.”

“Edward Gibbon theorized that Christians caused the fall of Rome; I’m thinking it was actually your ancestors.”

“That test score would be great . . . if we were playing golf.”

“The only pi sequence you know is the recipe for banana cream.”

“When the plague wiped out one-third of Europe’s population, it’s a shame you weren’t around.”

“You’d be a really great editor. You know. If you knew how to English.”

“Even the plus-minus system isn’t enough to boost a GPA like that.”

“You and I have less chemistry than an English major.”

“You take the ‘social’ out of social sciences.”

“If GPAs could talk, yours would be screaming, ‘GET ME OUT OF HERE!’”

“Not even fractions are willing to be your friends.”

“I’ve never seen someone comma splice quite like that.”

“If you haven’t figured out the correct use of ‘their’ by now, I don’t know how you got admitted to Drake.”

“Pavlov’s dogs are more reliable than you.”

“If you take the square root of biology class cubed, you’ll get the equivalent of your failed love life.”

“No, office hours are not for watching The Office.”

“If grades were cup sizes, you’d be the talk of the class. Students don’t see triple F’s every day, you know.”

“In the Senior Awards, you’d win Most Likely to Become a Starving Artist.”

“You’re so bad at math, when you had to do a cosine, you asked for your neighbor’s autograph.”

“If you were a bookworm, you’d be dead from starvation.”

“When the zombie apocalypse comes to town, they’ll avoid your brain like the plague.”

-by Sarah Mondello

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