Hi reader. Let me guess, you’re here because you want to learn how to find those adorable Drake squirrels, right? You think they’re oh so fluffy and cute, and you’d really like to learn where you can see them because you love them so much, and…wait. That’s not why you’re here? Really? You’re here because you’ve realized how much of a nuisance those little pests are, and you want to hunt them? Well, in that case, I’ve got some great news for you: this article contains all the information you need to help get rid of the squirrel problem at Drake. Just follow this simple ten-step plan, and in no time we’ll be one step closer to a blissfully squirrel-free campus.
Step 1: Change your clothing. Trust me, that bright blue shirt isn’t going to work as camouflage, and besides, you don’t want to get squirrel blood on your nice clothes. You’re going to want to wear something dull green or brown—extra points if it’s hideous. You’ll probably want to change your shoes, too, because Birkenstocks aren’t exactly built for stealth.
Step 2: Now that you’re properly attired, you’re going to need to arm yourself. Those squirrels may seem harmless, but they’re definitely not creatures you want to take on with just your bare hands. Of course, actual weapons aren’t allowed on campus, so you’re going to have to improvise. Your best bet would probably be to sneak a straw from Quad Creek Cafe and load it with a tack for ammunition. It’s not much, but it’ll have to do.
Step 3: Once you’ve acquired your “weapon,” stake out a good spot for your hunt. Ideally, it’ll be hidden from squirrels, other Drake students who may or may not judge you, and PETA members.
Step 4: If waiting and hiding isn’t your style, you can always walk around campus and wait for your prey to jump up. It’s bound to happen–those overgrown rats are utterly confident around people. Bear in mind though that this method may lead to heavier judgment from the Drake community, and has a much higher chance of ending in a visit to a psychiatrist’s office. For some reason, people find it suspicious if you creep around with a tack-loaded straw in your hand, muttering about squirrels.
Step 5: This one’s technically a recommendation, not a step, but a ten-step plan sounds much better than a nine-step plan, so it’s going to be counted as a step. Anyways, if you’re having trouble locating a squirrel, look for bushes with shaking leaves—squirrels tend to make branches shake when they jump onto them. Just be sure it’s actually a squirrel in the bush and not a confused freshman before you shoot.
Step 6: After several hours of searching, finally spot a squirrel. Get entirely too excited, sprint up to it and watch it run away. Way to go, you messed up. Try again.
Step 7: Return to the spot where you spotted the squirrel, sit down and actually wait for it to approach you. I’ve heard that squirrels often come up to deer hunters, so perhaps pretend that you’re waiting for bigger game. At the very least, try to act indifferent to the squirrel until the last minute—just like dogs can sense fear, these little rodents can sense your excitement.
Step 8: Once the squirrel is within range (and here range is defined as approximately two feet, given your “weapon”), aim your straw very carefully at it. When you’re fairly certain that you can hit the squirrel, load the tack and fire at will. Well done, you missed. And now it’s attacking you. Flee, if you still possess enough limbs to do so.
Step 9: Once you’ve recovered your dignity (and your tack) return to your hunting spot. Repeat steps Seven and Eight until your aim is finally good enough hit the squirrel. You know what they say, practice makes perfect.
Step 10: Actually hit the squirrel! Well done! Now it’s dead, and how you dispose of the body is up to you—unfortunately, there isn’t a ten-step guide for that. I don’t think Sodexo will appreciate you donating it to the cafeteria, but I suppose there’s no harm in trying. Also, fair warning: PETA is now your eternal enemy. Congrats. But hey, you’ve found a way to feed yourself if you get desperate. and you’ve helped make the campus a little better for the rest of us. Thank you for your service.
– By Abby Bethke